Compassion, Sympathy, or …?

   Because the term Compassion is so frequently used in a trivialized way, it is often mistaken for Sympathy, which leaves people confused about what to do.

   Sympathy means to “feel with”, as in “I feel sorrow with you for your father’s death.”

   Compassion, however, is more involved. It means to feel another’s suffering, and be moved to relieve that suffering. An example is when someone trips and falls, and I know how it feels to trip and fall, and I reach out to help the person back to their feet.

   Sympathy requires no action. Compassion involves action.

   I was asked recently how to develop compassion for a person who had wronged them. My first thought was the question is inside out.

   Who is suffering in this instance? It is the wronged person who is suffering, since the “doer” may feel no regrets for their actions.

   (Except from a metaphysical perspective, the “doer” may be hurting others because they are suffering. But it is possibly beyond the scope of the injured party to attempt to relieve that person’s suffering without risk of being further damaged.)

   So how does a suffering person act to relieve their own suffering?

   Often times the first response is Anger. The next response is often Revenge. But neither of those responses corrects the problem, and most likely result in more suffering on both sides, and so the cycle begins again.

   (It is said that Resentment is a poison an individual takes hoping another person will die.)

   It’s hard to feel Sympathy for someone who has cavalierly caused me suffering. In fact, I may not have any kind of “feeling with” that person at all.

   What about Compassion then? Unless I am willing to set aside my own suffering, and reach out to the other person and find out how they are suffering, it is not possible for me to help relieve that suffering.

   That means I would have to place myself, the victim, and my pain and suffering in a position of less importance than the suffering of the person who wronged me.

   Now, that scenario would be the highest level of compassion. But most of us aren’t Ghandi or Mother Theresa, and find it difficult to surrender our pain in exchange for relieving another’s suffering.

   Instead, philosophers and theologians suggest an intermediate course of action: Forgiveness.

   The Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota has an online article that defines Forgiveness as: “… a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.” Further, it involves letting go of grudges and bitterness (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131).

   The article’s author adds: “Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.”

   But what does Forgiveness have to do with Compassion?

   The author of the article says: “Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.”

   Understanding may be as simple as saying “We are all imperfect human beings, and they may not have learned healthy alternatives for behaving.”

   The empathy piece is akin to sympathy, recognizing that I can possibly relate to their plight, and acknowledge that I have probably acted badly in my life and caused other people pain, too.

   But what about Compassion? After I have forgiven the other person for wronging me, maybe I can see more clearly how that person’s suffering caused their actions. Maybe there is a way I can help relieve their suffering, and help them remove their reasons to hurt others.

   Of course, this isn’t suggested as an all or nothing proposition. It is a highly preferable course of action with friends and family, but not so much with serial killers (at least if you’re just a compassion student like me, and not Jesus or the Dalai Lama).

   And that is why developing compassion is seen as a journey, and not a destination.

~*~

   For more readings about the different levels of compassion, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.