Compassion: Expression and Experience

   One of the challenges in discussing compassion is the tendency to become too cerebral. As with many experiential phenomena, the phrase “Sayin’ ain’t doin’” is particularly relevant.

   The same is true for many discussions of emotional states: the minute we’re talking about it, we’re not feeling it anymore. The reason for this is that emotional feeling and analytical thinking are handled by different parts of the brain.

   So how do I practice getting out of my head and into my heart when it comes to compassion?

   One way is to consider whether it is an expression or an experience.

   When I express something, I’m telling you about it, so it’s coming from my head and out my mouth.

   When I experience something, I’m feeling it inside of me rather than creating words for it. Someone outside me may not be able to tell, unless I have a facial expression communicating the emotion, or tears coming out of my eyes.

   With the definition of compassion in mind (recognition of another’s suffering, and feeling moved to relieve their suffering), let’s look at a couple examples:

   A friend has experienced the death of a close family member.

   Expression: “I’m sorry for your loss.”

   Experience: I feel the sensation of sadness, because I’ve had loved ones die, so I know what it feels like. I want to show my friend that I care about them.

   Someone crossing the street in front of me trips on the curb and falls onto the sidewalk.

   Expression: “Do you need help getting up?”

   Experience: I imagine how it hurts falling on the sidewalk, and how embarrassing it is to fall in public. I want to make sure they’re OK, and find out if they need help.

   Notice that the outward appearance of both expression and experience may be identical, but the internal manifestation is entirely different.

   Many of us have been in situations where someone has expressed sympathy for a misfortune we’ve suffered. We’re feeling wretched and ripped apart inside, and person after person comes up and just says meaningless words in our faces that amount to just so much noise.

   Then another person comes up, looks in our eyes, and says something simple like, “Oh, honey”, and suddenly it all breaks loose. Here’s someone who understands, here’s someone who cares, here’s someone who is really here.

   That’s the difference between an empty expression of sympathy and a meaningful experience of healing compassion. It’s experiential, it’s a feeling, it’s real – not just words.

   Having direct knowledge of how much energy it takes to endure empty expressions of superficial sympathy, I try to avoid the stock responses at all cost.

   So what do I do instead? If it’s a funeral or memorial service, I get in touch with a part of me that has felt the feeling I imagine the bereaved person is feeling. Then I approach them with care and concern in my heart. Sometimes nothing needs to be said. I look in their eyes, take their hand, and send feelings of caring from my heart to theirs.

   To rephrase a childhood rhyme:

     The compassion in your heart

     Wasn’t put there to stay

     Compassion isn’t compassion

     ‘Til you give it away.

~*~

   For extensive explorations on many facets of compassion, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.