Compassionate Boundaries

   I’ve written a couple of times about self-care in the practice of compassion. The basic concept is that taking care of ourselves is of prime importance in order to be available when we are needed to help relieve another’s suffering.

   However, many adults in the baby boomer generation are now in the position of caring for aging parents, in addition to being available to their children, grandchildren, spouses, friends, and job.

   This “being pulled in all directions” creates an instinctual reaction to close down, put on blinders, and get through each day trying to live up to everyone’s expectations with a nose-to-the-grindstone attitude.

   This “being everything to everyone” I call the Atlas Syndrome. I’ve had it myself: the feeling that I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and my hands aren’t available to do what’s in front of me. One of the telltale signs is chronic neck and shoulder pain.

   You’ve heard from friends and family (and maybe even your doctor): “You’ve got to take care of yourself” but the internal dialogue responds:“That’s all I need, one more thing to take care of.”

   But examined realistically, if I don’t have the time or energy to take care of myself, I really don’t have time or energy to truly care for someone else.

   If I am only giving miniscule attention to the people of my life because I have stretched myself to the breaking point and everything feels like a burden, am I really doing them a service, or is it more of a disservice?

   One step in self-care is to have reasonable expectations for myself. Can I reasonably expect to be able to fulfill everyone’s needs and not burn myself out? No.

   Now that’s clear, I need to learn to set boundaries in a caring manner before I reach the end of my rope and snap (which could cause harm to me and others in the process.)

   Negotiating boundaries is challenging for people in caregiving roles. It takes an understanding and clarification of what you think other people expect of you, and a realistic assessment of what they really expect. Often we tend to inflate other’s expectations of us, leaving us feeling inadequate – which is not a healthy place.

   Another part of setting boundaries is to make your expectations for others clear. If you live in a household where you are responsible for a certain set of chores, but you take on extras because “If I didn’t do them, they wouldn’t get done”, chances are you’ll start feeling resentful and tired.

   Here’s the question to ask yourself: Will anybody DIE if these chores didn’t get done? The answer is probably, "No." So, don’t do them.

   Setting boundaries is part of what can be termed as Strong Compassion. By not doing for others what they are responsible for doing themselves, you are not engaging in codependence, and not inhibiting their growth as an independent and responsible person. When you take away other’s work, you are actually minimizing them and preventing their growth.

   From this perspective, then, setting boundaries on other’s demands and expectations of you, and clarifying your expectations of others is a very compassionate act. This leaves them free to grow in their own way as a responsible individual, and it gives you the healing space to be available to relieve another’s suffering when needed.

   Interpreted another way, setting boundaries is about asking another person to show compassion to you, which is a good thing.

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   To read more about practicing compassion individually, or in community, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.